Some people with placards reading “Mumbai is for the masses.. Don’t be bullied.. Watch MNIK… Its Super Awesome” are shouting pro SRK and MNIK slogans in an act of bringing Mumbai together.
Friend 2: (who incidentally is a Marathi Manoos.. who is not at all offended by the comments from his favorite leader and believes in the Marathi Manoos cause but wont say it out loud as he doesn’t want to be termed as a ‘hypocrite’)
Yeah man.. You are right… SRK tho best hai… Kya range of movies kiye hai usne… Ram Jaane, Duplicate, One two ka Four… and last but not the least.. my favorite and his too.. Paheli… Wo tho kya movie tha yaar… He helped conceive a child in spite of being a ghost.. Mindblowing… Only he can deliver such performances… Dunno beech beech mein DDLJ, Chak De and Swades jaise ghatiya movies kyun banata hai… Totally ruins his profile…
They purchase the tickets… Go and find their places in the theater loaded with SRK endorsed Pepsi and popcorn…
They are joined by the people who were shouting slogans outside the theater…
Movie Begins…
Rizwan (SRK): Hi.. My name is Khan… Rizwan Khan…. Oops… Sorry… Wasn’t meant to come out like that.. Tee Hee…. I have Asperger’s syndrome which is not similar to the disease the stupid kid from that third grade movie, made by the man who has named his dog after me, had… This is a cool disorder which means I am born with Rainman’s savant genius, Jadoo’s… oops… Forrest Gump’s charming naivety and the enterprise of Phunsuk Waangdu, of the movie formerly known as the ‘Most hyped movie of all time’ before this movie came into news… (Haha… name your dog after me… at the end of the day… I am ‘King Khan’ and my movie has received more publicity than yours… Na na na.. Naaa naaaa…..)
Btw… before I forget to mention… I can indulge in super Jugaad when needed…. I am just 13 and I can fashion a water drainage pumping device in two hours while my mentor is in dreamland… Cool Na…
Goin ahead… Rizwan is now in the land of the Golden Gate with his brother… His beloved mother has expired..
Boss: Rizwan…. Because you have Asperger’s syndrome due to which social interaction and public speaking is difficult… rather impossible for you… I am gonna offer you a job which will negate these deficiences and bring out the best of abilities within you… Congratulations!!! You are now a ‘Salesman’
Rizwan: WTF!!! #$!@#$SDA. Who wrote the script!!!
On his travails as a salesman, he meets a drop dead gorgeous single mother, Mandira (Kajol)… drooling
Rizwan: I will now charm you with my innocence and chivalry… The virtues are not dead as yet….
Mandira: It’s so believable.. Only someone like you can charm me… But I’m not such an easy nut to crack… Be more innovative
Rizwan: Hah!! Ok… I know SF much better than you do !!
Mandira: I know you have the syndrome which is why I am giving you the benefit of doubt….. But dude!! No one knows SF better than me… I wear SF jeans too.. Beat that!!
Rizwan: Chucke!! I’ll show you one place in SF you haven’t seen.. Will you marry me then ?
Mandira: Okay.. Sounds perfectly reasonable… There are no other plausible reasons needed to marry someone…
Rizwan takes her to some place half and hour later and then…
Rizwan: Look the sun is rising.. Suraj hua Maddham.. Chaand Jalne laga… Oh f***… wrong song.. wrong movie… Maafi….
Mandira: Hehe.. You are so cute.. I’ll marry you….
Rizwan thinks… F***… You have no doubts about letting a mentally challenged person into your life and still raise your pre-teen son… I thought you were clever..
These thoughts somehow reach Mandira through telepathy… Deafening silence.. Probably only the audience saw the audacity in this… the script writers’ obviously didn’t !!
Happily married we move on to post 9/11 when opinions and the political landscape have drastically changed…
School Teacher at a primary school: Islam is wicked.. They harbor terrorists.. Promote Jihad… Preach violence and death….
Kid in the class: This is exactly what is taught in American schools to 10 year old kids!!!
Tragedy hits the Khan family as their son dies… He dies as he is roughed up and kicked once in his stomach with a football by a bunch of seniors!! Something which never happened to 99.9 % of us when we were kids… Yet, somehow, we miraculously survived… The poor kid didn’t…
Sania Mirza suddenly comes running with Shoaib Malik tagging along… See I told you… “Badthe Bachchon ko Complan pilaao.. Isme 23 aavaishyak Poshtik Tatva hain… Jiske Taaqat badthi hai” Ayesha is also running behind Shoaib shouting.. Talaaq, Talaaq, Talaaq…. Shoaib: “Take it and go to hell b****!! ”
School Teacher: Madam.. There were no witnesses at the soccer field in the school in the middle of the afternoon… But somehow we believe this attack was racially motivated…
I think it’s completely appropriate to float around unproven theories around emotionally volatile women who’ve just lost their son
Mandira: I wont react lamely to such allegations..
Mandira (To Rizwan): If I had married a Khanna… My son would be alive…. Just then the song from Main aur Mrs. Khanna starts palying on the television…“Don’t say Alvida… Naa Kaho Alvida”
Rizwan: Huh ??!! So much so for claiming not to act lame…
Mandira: Only way to redeem yourself is by convincing everyone that all Khans are not terrorists… Specially the President
Rizwan: Bhen****…. This is taking lameness to a whole new level….
Khan on whom concepts like Sarcasm weren’t lost when he was out MILF hunting with his witty comebacks, decides this is the moment that his Asperger’s should really kick in…
Rizwan: I’ll deliver the message “My name is Khan.. and I am not a terrorist” to the president.. Lemme see how many lives I can touch on my way to this epic journey… Another placard reads “Can repair almost anything… “EXCEPT” Nonsense scripts”
Along the way he meets an overweight Jolly African American grandmother from suburban Georgia… Seeing people like her makes you wonder, ‘Why are children in Sudan dying of hunger??’…. She lives in a ghetto shack and doesn’t listen to reggae music. Instead she sings in the church choir…. So relieving…
He also meets a Doctor/Scholar and debates with him about the teachings of Islam and gets him arrested by the FBI for agenda spreading.. Score!!! Go Rizwan Go…..
He also witnesses never before portrayed incidences in a plight of Indians in America after 9/11 movie
Inspector – Sir you have been randomly selected for additional screening.. Please step aside!!
American Indian – Aawww man.. Not again!!!
He also gets himself arrested and tortured for suspicious behavior.. And it has nothing to do with his Asperger’s syndrome!!
A BBC reporter comes to the rescue.
Reporter (with beard): I am a Sikh reporter.. I am following Khan’s story and I sympathize with him. Even I had to get rid of my turban as everyone thought I am a Muslim and a terrorist.
Audience: You lose the turban but you persist with the beard… Totally oblivious to the fact that Muslims harbor beards too.. So Smart for a BBC reporter !! Clap Clap…..
Eventually Khan’s released from jail. Mandira forgives him. Comes to meet him.. Just to mind fuck with him a lil more..
Mandira: He’s getting released. I’ve come here all the way.. But wont meet him or tell him to stop with the lunacy…
Breaking News: KATRINA HITS GEORGIA
Rizwan: Fuck!! Must save Mama Jenny!!
Entire nation rallies behind Khan… More Asperger awesomeness follows:
BBC Reporter: Khan has inspired an entire city to rebuild itself.. Rest of the report will be in Hinglish as the news channel house pays me to act and report according to my whims and fancies..
Mandira is in peace with herself as her son’s best friend comes forward to testify against the offenders after getting over the threats he faced from them
Mandira (to the offender): I am dropping charges against you for your mother.. But I’ll never forgive you.. NEVER…
So un-Bollywood like !!
Offender: B**** !! I am... like 13… Take a chill pill….
After some more madness which is totally justified.. Rizwan reaches the end of his journey
Rizwan: Mr. Black guy from the Jay Leno show who does all the Obama Spoof skits… “My Name is…
Mr President: Khan, and you are not a terrorist”… we get the point…. Can we end this now ??????????????
THE END…
The entire hall heaves a collective sigh of relief…
Outside the cinema hall.. People who were shouting anti Marathi Manoos proponent and pro SRK slogans have changed their agenda and now their placards read..
“Never again… Never again… Lord… lift us from this misery……”
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